Why are hula dancers so pretentious? Because their hips stir.

What goes; green-red-green-red-green-red-green-red? A frog in my blender

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems *i pick up my phone* HER: your behavior is untenable “hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

I just heard a woman in a supermarket say this to her 7 year old daughter… “Don’t spit! Ladies never spit!” Fcuking. Priceless.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

My friend tried playing Pokemon Go in Vegas, but sadly lost his phone. All he caught was herpes.

Think smoking’s “COOL”? What if I do it in a leather jacket? “COOL” now? On a Harley? Still “COOL”? While I kiss this model? Is that “COOL”?

I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee Without other people’s dicks in it.

Is my iPhone named Freedom? Yes Do I never pick up phone calls on it? Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring

What do you get when you cross a female tyrannosaur with a male tyrannosaur? Tyrannosaurus Sex! *I apologize deeply, I’m so…so sorry*