A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. Unfortunately, the beer doesn’t understand English commands. But the bartender can speak easy.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Sometimes I get jealous of the lingo black people use that I can’t use. Then I remember as a white person I have things I can say that they can’t like. “Hey dad.” Or “Thanks for the warning officer”

What happens when you fingerbang a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

I don’t think it’s called USA anymore, but DSA… The Divided States of America.

Walk in closets Walk-In Closet Why do chinesse make such terrible Estate agents? Because non of the customers are ever comfortable with the idea of buying a house with a Hawk in the closet.

Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his “paw.”

*I throw u a kiss* *u duck* *it flies into space* [6 bn yrs later – the planet Xargx] LORD ZARG: Kill the- *kiss hits his cheek* LZ: Aww nvm

So I’m in a hotel and call the front desk saying, “Hey! I gotta leak in the sink!” The clerk says, “Go ahead, the customer’s always right…” (Henny Youngman)