Usually chocolate makes me hyper but my dog ate a pack of Snickers and he’s been asleep for hours. Haha wake up so we can play, little guy.

So I heard Donald Trump is running for president again. You guys know that if he wins, we’ll all be f****d, right? That’s right. Fired. 😉

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No I really did!

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

How do you know you’ve been making too many jokes? When the wordplay becomes wordwork.

Why do adrenaline junkies enjoy camping? Because it is in tents

I’m just saying, a cartoon character facebook pic isnt going to stop a child abuser! If you see one, call the cops, bam, done.

Inside jokes are bitterly resented by the homeless.

SWAG is for BOYS and CLASS is for MEN.

What’s the difference between my dick and my jokes? My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes