What’s the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun only has one trigger.

Did you know that all of the trigonometric functions are female? Yup, They all have periods!

I wish Twitter would add bold or italics or meaning to my life.

What did the blonde say when she saw a banana peel? aw shit imma fall again

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so… *hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

In the news today What do Aaron Hernandez and Edward Snowden have in common? They’re both expatriots (expatriates).

So a polar bear walks into a bar… and says, “I’ll have a gin…..and tonic” The bartender says, “What’s with the big pause?” And the polar bear says, “Oh, I’ve always had them.”

I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

Where does a pirate go on vacation? Arrrrrland.