My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world He’s so egotestical.

i’m working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn… but I can’t work out the kinks

Me and my wife are into S&M. She sleeps and I masturbate.

There’s this girl I know, and I’m like a god to her. Because I’m always watching her. And she’s never seen me.

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair. Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends. *hair is super let down*

This post just says it all! It all

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that. Interviewer: Take a minute to th- Me: Arendelle.

If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”] Me: hot milky L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up