Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

You know those little helmet stickers some football teams use to reward personal achievement? Bald guys should do that.

ME: *tells joke* WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school [later] ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.

What kind of jokes do bad comedians tell their audience? Bad jokes.

Where do naughty rays of light go? Prism (Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

Who is the drummer for the Mexican Beatles? Gringo Starr

What’s the name of a computer that turned into a singer A dell.

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don’t fucking know. Chickens don’t even know what roads are he probably thought it was a field.