I decided to play agar.io again… Now I hate my cellf

Pro debating tip: Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Instead of complaining that it’s hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES “Don’t you mean catlike-” BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

Apparently, people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones… …But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

My friend told me he is FINALLY going to watch the Back to the Future series. “It’s about time,” I told him.

What do you call a psychic midget that escapes prison? A small medium at large.

What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.

Wife sneezed… … and told me she was allergic to my hotness. My response: so do you break out in sex?

Why did no one like the Archer Because he was too arrowgant!