What do a guitar and a drum have in common? Neither of them are a clarinet!

I’m going to talk to my broker today about cashing in some of my stocks. And by that I mean, “taking all my change to the coinstar machine”

Today somebody told me about a bear that climbs a mountain… …But the story goes downhill from there.

How do you think bus driver interviews go? Applicant: Sorry I’m late! Interviewer: You’re hired!

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

“I ruined my health by drinking to everyone Else’s.”

Why was diarrhoea classified under hereditary diseases? It runs in the Jeans.

“It’s not a colonoscopy, it’s a colonoscpportunity!” – gastroenterologist who is also a motivational speaker

Why was the lion-tamer fined ? He parked on a yellow lion !

Who is the king of the pencil case? The Ruler