I like to end all my phone calls with “Ok, I’ll see you later on at the party!” and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.

What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician? 100 people that don’t do dick

I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.

We need to get into the fertilizer industry… I hear business is booming.

A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home I don’t understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.

Dave’s Adventure In A Cave (Limerick) There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!

It’s like these people that have to shop at Goodwill don’t even realize how lucky and trendy they are!

*stares at phone* why cant i sleep *puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun* oh

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.