How my day went today 1. Woke up 2. Went to work 3. Saw hot girl 4. Kissed the girl Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.

Movie Names For Your Penis There Will Be Blood YOUR TURN

So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris… I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

Wearing sunglasses inside is a great way to let people know that you should be hated unconditionally

Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.

What do Hispanic midgets cut their pizza with? Little Caesar’s

I’ve just started work as a human chess piece. The money’s good, I’m on knights this week.

What does a bungie jumper and a condom wearer have in common? If the rubber snaps they’re screwed. <—– this is a classic xD

“We don’t serve time travellers here” said the bartender… “We don’t serve time travellers here” said the bartender. A time traveller walks into a bar.

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can’t jump.