Tell me I’m beautiful “You’re beautiful” Tell me I’m a genius “You’re a genius” Tell m- “Just give me the toilet paper, please”

What do you call customers at Lidl? Lidl people.

Did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job? He had to stop when he got depressed

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I’ll put a patio on them later.

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he’s up to these days.

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Ever wondered why is being gay a sin? It’s simple. We all know 69 as a sex position. Satan’s own number is 666. Now think about gays, and 666 as a sex position.

A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear.. ..and a piece of broccoli up his nose. The Dr told him he isn’t eating right.

Girls aren’t friends with other girls. They are just future enemies.

My wife was captured by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.