How do you know someone is a Bernie Sanders supporter? Don’t worry, he’ll fucking tell you.

A man starts a line of pickled venison … …the most popular flavor so far is dill doe.

Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage Me: for the last 7 years

what did lowes say when home depot kickcked him in the crotch ouch menards (my nards). lolz

An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can’t team up? Eagle: No, why? Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

What’s the difference between John Kenndy Jr. and Ted Kennedy? Ted can swim away from an accident.

Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They’re always raising the steaks!

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

“I’M GOING BANANAS!!!” …is what I tell my bananas when I leave the house.