Why did the trout leave the cult? They were too sacrifishal

I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines

On Canada Day, I like to say “HAPPY CANADA DAY!” to people. But quietly. And from a distance. I don’t want to be a bother.

What’s the difference between a everyone and a bullet? Everyone misses Harambe.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

Apparently my friends came up with this joke about my penis but nobody will tell me it… They keep telling me it’s too long

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’ CW:… Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers