“I don’t want you to freak out, but…” – someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works

I remember 2016 As if it were a normal year.

Bum at the bus stop, lady walks up with dress up her crack, bum discretely pulls it out, lady slaps him, [hand gesture pushing it back into crack]

Me: Play dead My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*

They say money doesn’t grow on trees So what are hedgefunds then?

Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

Henry Tudor: “I’m going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester.” Richard III: “Over my dead body.”

Who me? Ohhh, I’m just driving around town, painting “free candy” on the side of creepy looking vans.

Why don’t women like drinking beer at the beach? Because they’ll get sand in their schlitz.

Confucius say when mosquito land on testicle, you learn to solve problem without violence