Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you’re getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

I went to the fancy dress shop the other day but they couldn’t help me complete my wizard costume You just can’t get the staff.

I’m fed up with all that Superman crap. He saves old women & extinguish fires, but when he flies over Africa, he pretends he doesn’t see us?

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot? let me be your *soil*mate

What’s similar between Gump and Trump? They are both mentally challenged and “just felt like runnin’”

If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much.

How lost members does it take to change a lightbulb?

I tried to walk into Target… But I missed. – Mitch Hedberg RIP.

Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you’re going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he’s in his sweats.

Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned? They found her face down in Rikki Lake