A solid way to make your waiter’s head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

Being God means never having to say you’re sorry. Or anything, really.

Grandpa looks at his grandson and says, “Go hide! Your teacher is here because you skipped school today.” The grandson says, “No, you go hide. I told her you were dead!”

When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all… …I guess Canada fears change

A man walks into a bear… He is mauled to death.

My wife is like a treasure You’ll need an accurate map and a fucking shovel to find her.

What’s the worst cut of steak? Amazon Prime.

What breathes out but never in? Your asshole

did you know that protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!

What did Hitler’s cat think of the Holocaust? It was purrfect.