A drummer trips and falls on a sheep, a candy brand, and then a running faucet *Baa Dum tss*

A tragic haiku hipsters panicking need a new pretentious food quinoa’s too mainstream

“But what about all the Positive Nancys?” ~ a Nancy, complaining like usual

Why are atoms so serious? Because they’re no laughing matter.

Oscar Isaac wasn’t nominated so far despite his performances in Inside Llewyn Davis and Ex Machina Talk about an Oscar being snubbed

I wish my wife was better in bed. I wish my WiFi was better in bed.

Who won the Tour de France in 1940? the Sixth German Panzer Division

What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS? Well, one you have to shuck between fits…

What do you get when you mix a public speaker with someone who had tourettes? A clock! One provides the tic, the other provides the talk Credit to my Autistic Big Bro

I have an internet porn addiction. i really should beat it…