I think back to all the times I’ve masturbated up until now… …its just nice to know how far I’ve cum.

What does an Ent want? A bad birch.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend until you realize they turn you into a shallow ho

Why did Hitler suicide? He got the gas bill

Apparently SeaWorld CEO has declared an end to kissing and dancing for its performing Orcas… Now those whales will know how I felt at my high school prom!

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

What game do they play at Mexican carnivals? Guaca-mole!

One agent stops by another agent’s table to tell him the big news: “Elvis just died!” The second agent says nothing then starts nodding. “Good career move.”

The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.

ISIS should hire me… I have a lot of experience when it comes to bombing, especially on final exams.