Cocaine is never a solution… Unless it’s dissolved in water.

I went on a boat trip around Paris, …it was in-seine!

Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.

How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE

*aggressively keeps eye contact with attractive people to let them know I mean business*

I like my women like I like my coffee I hate coffee.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field? The pot was calling the cattle back

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese.

Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they’re like “have that one, I don’t even want it”

It’s stupid to just ask “where” a sorority girl is when the more accurate question is “where in Target” is she.