What is Chuck Norris’ only weakness? Cancer

Whenever I’m getting off a plane I like to go up to the pilot, lean in really close and whisper “I had my phone on that whole time.”

What do you call a pickle sandwich that’s a scientist? Dill Rye

Why shouldn’t you invite a duck to go out drinking? Because it would be a party fowl.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

What the difference between the titanic and climate change? Climate change beat the ice berg

4 out of 5 dentists agree that pursuing dentistry was a mistake.

Game of Thrones is why I have trust issues.

“You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight.” “I swear, officer.”

if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it’s 100% bc they didn’t brush their teeth. they’re nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect