Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

What did the black kid get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

What kind of cheese should Richard eat? Ricotta

What band’s fanbase is the most charitable? U2, they’re all pro-bono.

How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas? Because if it were invented anywhere else, it’d be called teethpaste.

Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walk into a pub. They head to the bar and the bartender says, “what is this, some kind of joke?!”

It’s the first day of Autumn so let’s make like Humpty Dumpty!! And have a great Fall!

I’m not in favour of student loans. I think people should get their own student.