I’m good at turning on. .. Electronics

When one door closes… An incognito window opens.

My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I’m all about that bass, no treble.

What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells

I wish my thumbs had the power of Pandora. I would give people the thumbs down & they’d instantly disappear & be replaced w/ a better one.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The P is silent.