I got a new job! I got a great new job working for The Mint. I’m gonna make so much money! Also steal a bunch.

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant? Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

Just tried to read an article that wasn’t a list. Bunch of words, no GIFs, and it required me to think?? 0/10 would not recommend.

Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he’s the father.

I became a vegan yesterday… …but I tell you, it was a missed-steak.

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it. *a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Yes, I’ve been in love before. I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.

You know something, Jon Snow Lord Commander: “So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?” Jon Snow: “Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes.”

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

Met a hooker who said she’d do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that’s been posted 5,000 times in the past week