What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog.

Steve Irwin will always be in our hearts Just like the stingray needle in his.

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.

Why doesn’t George R.R. Martin use a Twitter? Because he kills all 140 characters.

You know how they say “if you snooze you lose”… I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

Tequila everyday keeps sobriety away

if the plan is “eat pancakes now figure out life later” then yes everything is going according to plan

What’s the difference between a Lentil and a Chickpea? I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a Lentil on my face.

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The dye used to color Sesame Street’s Elmo red is made from the blood of virgin Canadians.