A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.

*sends you a pic of a kitten* *you reply, “Awe”* *face melts* *responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”* *deletes your number*

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

ME: look a possum HER: actually it’s spelled opossum ME: you don’t no how I spelled it, we’re talking HER: actually it’s spelled know

“Bear with me” -A Russian bear trainer

According to my neighbor’s journal, I have “boundary issues.”

It’s hard telling how many Kleenex I’ve fathered.

*cop approaches me* “have u seen this girl?” *holds up photo* “yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED” *hi-5* “haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.

Why would you never starve to death in a desert? Because you’d probably die of dehydration first. While a human can only go about a week without water, it can go up to three weeks without food.