The new Pope got Bird flu… …I heard he caught it from one of his Cardinals.

What happens when you mix a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down?

What do you call someone who knows all? Nostril-damus.   Works better if you read the joke out loud.

What does a tech geek say when they’re taking a shit? “Clearing my cache.”

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks. It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.

Real men don’t cry…tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body.

How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months.