What did the Alligator say to the turtle? Can I bayou a drink?

[god creating ants] Anteater: finally

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

what’s the male equivolent of a widow? Free

Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game? Egypt: 8. Ethopia: Didn’t.

I’m starting a dating app for people who live in Eastern Virginia I’m calling it Chesapeake BAE

We’re gonna party like its 1999. //breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

Doctor says: “No sex for 6 weeks after birth.” Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you’re not the father.

I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now.

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then mom gave birth to me.