Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust… Emperor Augustus throws down his pen in disgust, exclaiming: “I can’t believe it’s February and I’m still writing B.C. on all of my checks!”

Were Trump to propose a ban on Abortions… he could easily modify his slogan to “Make America Late Again”

Two muffins are in the oven… One muffin says “Man, it’s hot in here!” the other muffin yells “OMG A TALKING MUFFIN!!!”

Mike: I’m really glad I wasn’t born in France. Jim: Why? Mike: I can’t speak French.

Why did Steve Jobs decline chemotherapy? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Let me tell you a pizza joke… Nevermind it’s too cheesy

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

What do you say to a broken Xbox One? Nothing, you already said it twice.

So I was fucking my daughter last night… when my wife walked in. I don’t know what she was more surprised by: the fact that I was fucking our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep it.

what’s wrong with pi? He is irrational and goes on and on – says the wife of pi