My friend tried to get me with bird puns today… I told him toucan play that game.

I wouldn’t say my butt plug the best sex toy… but it’s definitely up there.

Last night, Daredevil beat me up and took my money. I was robbed blind.

It’s all fun and games until you lose your wifi signal.

Dont drink and Derive Especially in Meth class

Me: Girls’ night in!!! Cat: I’m a cat. Me: You’re my best friend. Cat: I’m not even a girl cat. Me: So it’s like a date? Cat: Get help.

*sticks switchblade into bag of NES cartridges, licks tip of knife, nods to boss* It’s good.

I saw a badass preview for a new movie coming out! It said it was called “U.S. Marines”

What do you call a nun that sleep walks? A roamin’ catholic

Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask “which country?”