If someone says you’re a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid.

I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently in HD wasn’t the right answer.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

How many cannibals does it take to make a sandwich? Two.

Every time I don’t clog a toilet I feel like I’ve gotten away with something

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday. For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

What’s the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was in tense.

I can’t remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals… fucking livid

Donald Trump wants to build a wall between USA and Mexico… It’s okay, we have tunnels.