A small boy got lost at a baseball game… He went up to a police officer and said: “I’ve lost my dad.” “What’s he like?” asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, “Beer and women.”

How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? Giraffe.

I recently came into a very large sum of money so they fired me from my job at the bank.

Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic? He needed to change attire. (I’m probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone’s almost definitely done it before.)

I don’t need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket.

What do ants drink? Tea. It’s an ant tea joke.

If a red panda is caught stealing, what do you call it? It was caught Red Panded

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

What happens to a tapeworm after it dies? It will be interred.