Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

What the difference between a calender and you…. a calendar has dates.

What’s good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust.

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large

60 Second Lover I think my girlfriend has fucked sixty one people before me. She calls me her sixty second lover ….

What’s the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY

If I die in a fire, I want my last words on my grave… … “I won’t die, I’m 70% water!”

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else’s shower.