Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

One day I’ll cure deafness… You hear me!

(NSFW) What did the haddock get covered in at the fish orgy? SALMONal fluid

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around I felt like I was on The Voice

What does Sean Connery wear to avoid the paparazzi? His shunglasshesh

Did you guys see the new line of Tony Romo’s cologne? Every time you wear it, you fuck up and the other guy scores.

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

The toilet bowl was stolen from the local police precinct last night. The cops have nothing to go on.

I asked my wife if we could do 68 tonight. She’d blow me, and I’d owe her one.

What do you call a cute homeless girl? Dust Bunny