Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.

I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.

“Raising a family is hard,” he said. “Not if they’re buried close enough together,” replied the Necromancer.

Do you know the problem with ordering duck? It always comes with the bill.

I’m scared of the toilet That’s where shit goes down

My favorite jokes are the short ones that make me laugh. Here’s a short one that I hope makes you laugh. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? – You look for FRESH PRINTS!!

A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says “You can’t bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!”

The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else’s birthday.

FB lesson number #1. If you don’t want people meddling in your business, stop posting it on your status.

did you hear about that kidnapping in Texas? He woke up.