– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_ – MILKMAN!! – No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

Be alert! The world needs more lerts.

I just bought shoes from a drug dealer I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

Oh yeah bro? That’s not what your mom said last night. I don’t think so, anyway. It was a long conversation. She sounds well. Lovely person.

Three stages of a man’s life . . . . . Want to stand up Want to stand up Want to stand up

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead [Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Why do they build fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in

My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.

yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 seconds.

Where do you find the best tofu in the entire world?