Ever want to have rodeo sex? Get on top and call her by the wrong name and try and hold on for 8 seconds.

What’s big and grey and protects you from the rain ? An umbrellaphant !

I for one… … love Roman numerals.

[therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

100% of Nickelback fans drive drunk.

When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman

What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo? a force of habit

LISA GOPMAN: EATING DISORDER For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It’s when I look in the mirror and think I’m really skinny.

Q: What did one candle say to the other candle? A: Are you going out tonight?

I’m getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors I guess I’m getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome