“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team… I know that now.

“Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.”

If you’re in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? …throw in your dirty laundry.

What is the most affectionate type of chicken? The tender ones (Badum Tss)

My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it.

What do you call an aligator in a vest? investigator

Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much? It can’t do jack shit.

Choose a major you love and you won’t have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)

The punchline comes first. How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?

The cops did a high-risk raid on a drug operation located at a barn I guess you could say it was a *high steak operation*