*First Date* Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! “Thanks” Anytime, pumpkin! “You’re sweet” You’re one in vermillion!

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

I just took the Bruce Lee of dumps. It fucked my ass all up.

What did the elephant say to the man? Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A Buccaneer.

A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he’s already legless and walks out again.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

LPT: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain,and that’s where shitty ideas come from.