*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’sTM

Every horse you’ve ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren’t real. Commitment is.

I heard this amazing joke the other day, made me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten it.

What Should I Do Today? Eat A Bomb?Nuke A Toaster?Ride Nyan Cat Into Space?Bomb ISIS?Oh Theres Just So Much You Can Do!

What do you call a slow hurricane? A slowicane.

Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.

I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week’s pay

I fucked up making my coffee today #nofilter

A man walks into a bar… His friends ducked.

What is that the more you desire, the less you can get? Beautiful girls.