What’s the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn’t work.

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…

dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling dumbledore: [starts sweating]

So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God… … Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Confucius say… Man who go to bed with sex in mind, wake up with solution in hand.

Any subreddits to help you cope with schizophrenia? Asking for a friend

Mt. Everest has lost its record status … … now that a British astronaut is Earth’s highest Peake.