I was gonna make a gay joke… But Fuck that

What do you call conjoined dolphins Dual porpoise

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

“Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?” –Polite Ludacris

why don’t melons run away to get married? because they cantaloupe

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it’s raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

Trump is asked what his position on women’s issues Trump replies “Look, I know a lot of women and they all have issues”

I’ve just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer’s conference. “Do you know who I am?” I shouted.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways

How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children? You put a guitar in his hands.