Some people say I dream too much, I say it’s just because my life is better than their dreams are.

How many fat people does it take to get a subreddit banned? [This post has been banned for your protected – Ellen Pao] ^^^NINJAEDIT: ^^^Just ^^^one

My children annoy me so I’m leaving everything in my will to a nap I took in 2007.

What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?

My ex-girlfriend once said “It’s either me or Twitter.” I wonder how she’s doing.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !

You did yoga. You didn’t negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.

Who is the Gorillas’ favourite playwright? Eugene O’Neill – who wrote ‘The Hairy Ape!’

What’s the slipperiest country? Greece!

Viagra Tea Does nothing for your sexual vigour, but stops your biscuit going soft.