Dear women, you’re all fucking crazy. Signed, every dude.

I’ve decided my tweets sound better when I say them so instead of tweeting I’m just gonna call all of you when I think of stuff.

I forgot 🙁 Whilst climbing in the roof space to get down the kids Christmas gifts, I found a present I’d forgotten last year. Such a shame – they would have loved that puppy.

Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.

*Snoop walks into a classroom* Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory *Snoops walks out disappointed*

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse because I’m near sighted, get cramps if I don’t get enough potassium and my only skill is googling things

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke? Diet coke has better advertising.