Pinocchio When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood? when his hand caught fire!!

Cleaning the Attic Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Hey – get out! We don’t want your type in here!”

Why do people even like anal? It’s fucking shit.

What do you call an Irish man who won’t leave your porch? Paddy O’ furniture

Did you hear that they are building massive oscillating blades in New York? I wasn’t a big fan of the idea

Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud? Dog: *pants*

[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

What do you call a cow stuck in a hurricane? A milkshake.

Just farted and it sounded like Louis Armstrong saying the word “blueberry” with his mouth full.