What separates the men from the boys? Operation Yewtree.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

What’s the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!

Q: What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? A: Wheeee!

What’s the difference between /r/jokes and your mom? Your mom is funny.

what’s worse than having a cold right before a job interview ? the holocaust

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says… “What’s with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?” The pirate says, “Argh!! I don’t know but it’s driving me testicles!!!”

Did u guys know u can smoke Newports on Delta flights