“we can put a man on the moon but ___________” (insert issue that is vastly different)

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.

I love Alfredo sauce. Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants …everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.

what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers

I’m selling my Theremin…. I haven’t touched it in years.

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ? A fair cop !

How do you comfort a grammar nazi? Pat him or her on the back and say, “Their, they’re…”