Q: Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other “Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?” A: The other replies “That was no piccolo that was my fife.”

Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

Mad Libs inventor died today of POOPING. He is survived by his PIZZA CHEESE and his LAWN DARTS. He will be A DINOSAUR.

How do you troll someone? Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge.

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.

James Bond walks into a bar… James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken. Chicken: What’s your name? Bond: My name’s Bond. James Bond. Chicken: Nice to meet you, I’m Ken. Chick Ken.

My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don’t know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.

My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, “Do it. Become the plane you’ve always dreamed of. I love you.” *Soft kiss*

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Two twins are looking through a family photo album “It’s not you, it’s me” They both say in unison.