[5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?

How do Filipinos count money? One-a two-a three-a four-a another-a …

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

You look dirty, so does your toaster maybe you should both go for a bath… I’ll draw it

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Ever heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

I asked a Jewish girl for her number… She rolled up her sleeve

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?” ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

I have so much pubic hair I can start a cattle ranch

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.