How do rhinos like their eggs? Poached.

What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

A builder came up to me. He said, “Do you know how to make a fruit stand?” “Yes,” I said. “You just have to balance it on a flat surface.”

Sometimes I do things to children that they’re too young to understand… …such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologise’ mean the same thing.. .. except when at a funeral.

Do you know the difference between a cheeseburger and a blowjob? (No- what?) Want to get lunch sometime?

What does the Pope use to dry his hands? Papal towels.

Can Feburary March? No. But April May

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.