A guy tries to save someone’s life… He goes to donate blood, but he decided not to. The doctor told him it would be in vein.

2 snowmen in field, one Turns to the other and says “can you smell carrot?”

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Parallel lines have so much in common, It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

Wanna hear a joke about Kraft Macaroni and Cheese? I would tell you but its dangerously cheesy.

Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker* *calls the phone number* ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

Almost had a threeseom. All i needed was 2 more girls.

What do I call my dick? Steve Harvey because it’s rising right now